Oh the HORROR!!

Big C celebrated a milestone on Cupid's day--he turned 40. So, we went to the newest hot spot in town, RED ROBIN! (No expense was spared on my honey's big day!) :D

We got there and we were seated immediately with the rest of Big C's immediate family. We had a mediocre hamburger, opened the typical "your dying" gifts, and received our huge bill.

As the waitress handed us the bill, she brightly asked, "Someone must be having a birthday!" I am not sure if it was all the balloons, the wrapping scattered over the table, or the fact that the other waiters had already sang Happy B-day, that tipped her off. Needless to say, it was apparent that our waitress was not the brightest bulb.

She asked my honey, "How old are you?" and when he told her, she gasped in horror, and patted his shoulder as if to say, "You don't have much longer with us big guy."

However, instead she said, "I dread the day I turn 21!"

I thought she was joking because she looked at least 24, so I asked, "How old are you?"

She said, "I just turned 19!" It reminded me of when kids hold up their fingers and say proudly "I am this many!"

She then went on to say, "I don't even think I will celebrate my 21st b-day. It is going to be so depressing! I don't know how I will face it!" All of us at the table smirked at her with tolerant smiles--the youngest adult being 25.

She continued by telling us about her fear of turning 25 and that is when the expressions at the table changed to, "Leave the check please....weirdo!"

And when she wouldn't stop, we all turned away, except for the tolerant and patient b-day boy, whom, by his proximity, was forced to smile and nod to the rest of her inane drivvle. It was an extra gift on his extra-special day!

Thanks again, weirdo waitress, who won't leave the check until you make everyone at the table feel like an old geezer facing their last meal!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!

Coupon Hussy

Yes, I am an admitted coupon hussy....I would say something else, but my mom reads my blog. Anyway, I will print any coupon available and go to printer after printer to get my max amount. It is an illness.

This week, I feel my couponing reached an all-time low. So, I could save $1 on Cottenelle toilet paper, I made a pledge on their website. It went something like this:

"I pledge to exercise my pampered behind. Why is it pampered? Because I use Cottenelle of course!"

I wonder what I would do or say for $5 off? Frightening thought.

P.S. My sister was going to pledge, "I pledge to only wipe my butt with Cottenelle!" The shameless thing must run in the family.

Exercise--a necessary evil

Doughie came downstairs to find me exercising (Dance Dance Revolution) and she said, "I knew you were exercising, because I could feel it upstairs." I thought she probably misspoke so I clarified by saying, "You could hear me right? Not feel me." (Why I do this to myself, I don't know) And she said, "Oh! No! I felt you!"

So, I am going to try to look on the positive side...at least she couldn't smell me upstairs too!

Up, Up, and Away!

Sassy Bee and I were shopping in the craft store the other day. When we got to the counter, the only cashier, turned away (as if she didn't see or hear us--which is virtually impossible with the lungs on my kid) and proceeded to call her friend about an order of balloons. During her conversation, my dear sweet 3-year-old was yelling, "Hey! Hey! Hey Lady!" I tried to quiet her, but anyone with a determined child knows it is difficult without going to jail. So, finally, the lady hangs up the phone and looks at Sassy expectantly and Sassy says, "You talk on the phone too much! Can I have a balloon?"

Was I surprised? Not really.....Admittedly, I have heard worse from Sassy.
Was I Embarrassed? A little.
Was I in Agreement? Hell yes! I can't stand it when somebody makes me wait to chat on the phone...whether it be in the car or in a store or anywhere.

Did Sassy get her balloon? No. The lady looked right at Sassy and said, "You can't have one unless your mom can afford one...." Afford one? Well, I won't go on that rant, but needless to say, we didn't get a balloon.

And, before anyone asks....NO, I wasn't wearing my sweats....

Does anyone have a similar story?

Hannah who?

Doughie is an aspiring singer/songwriter and hopes to support her parents someday with a thriving music career. She prides herself in having a voice "like a teenager" and often "practices" her skills in the car. She has written many songs and poems over the years. One poem in particular, she wrote for her papa to romance me with....it went like this:

"Roses are Red.
Violets are Blue.
I am full of love.
Would you like some love on you?"

If I hadn't seen it written in her untidy scrawl, I would have been suspicious that this "gem" had been written by Big C. She has many others that we will share in the future. They are too good to share all at once.

Clothing Optional....

A few years ago, I was watching a biography on Hailey Mills (Pollyanna, the original Parent Trap, etc.) Anyway, I noticed that she didn't wear many clothes the first eight or nine years of her life. At the time, I remembered thinking, "What kind of pervert lets their little girl run around like that?" Well, now I know....:D I realized this as I was looking through my pics and most of them couldn't be posted because Sassy Bee is only wearing a diaper.

Both my girls were like this for the first four years of their lives. It is not something I have nurtured....I like wearing clothes. I don't like being cold or advertising to everyone that I am. You know it is a problem when your kids wear clothes only for special occasions and you find yourself thinking, "Boy, they look cute in clothes." Doughie wants me to make it very clear that she wears clothes now. (As for Sassy Bee and Big C, it is still a problem)

As a three-year-old, Doughie was very theatric about her disrobing escapades. She would hide in the curtains and leap out, after the deed was done, as if to say, "TA!DA! And I have hid my clothes so you can't dress me for a while! How do you like them apples?"


Sassy likes to wear her clothes unconventionally....this is a pair of shorts.


One of Big C's shirts.

I look forward to the day that everyone wears clothes.....

Sweats...sloppy and oh so perfect!

You know you need to wear the sweats less when your 3-year-old thinks it is a special occasion when you wear something different.

I changed out of my sweats at about 2 p.m. the other day, and Sassy Bee was ecstatic. "Are we having a party? Are we having a pizza party? Is somebody coming over? Are we going shopping?" And when I told her that we were going to stay at home and eat lunch she seemed so confused. She looked at me as if to say, "Why did you comb your hair and put on clothes for lunch? It is just me...."

So...a new goal....wear the sweats less! :D My descendants are going to be so proud of me!!! What a worthy goal to record!

Temple

The other day, Sassy Bee had colored all over her body with a blue marker. It was also apparant that Doughie had helped her because the artwork was quite advanced on her back. However, when I began to tell her she shouldn't draw on herself, Doughie jumped into the conversation as though she hadn't done anything. This is what she said,

"Yeah, Sassy, you shouldn't draw on your body. No! No! Because your body is a temple and you wouldn't draw on the temple would you?"
And Sassy said, "No way!" (even though I could tell she was contemplating it way more than she should be.)
Doughie continued with, "Yeah, all our bodies are a temple. Mommy's body is like the Idaho Falls temple....small and pointy on top and big on the bottom..."

Nice--so much for my self-esteem that day! What wise words would Oprah have for this situation? Hmmmm?

Bombs Away!

You know you are getting out of shape, when you climb up your kid's bunkbed and it feels like a workout. Even worse, is when you are sore the next day. Anyway, I was up on the top bunk hanging some butterflies, when Sassy Bee told me it was "time to come down!" So, I manuevered over to the ladder and told her that she had to catch me. She stood there, in her diaper, holding her arms out, shaking, and said, "Be careful! Jump into my arms!" Poor little thing was afraid but willing. She probably thought I would squish her with my girth.


These are the butterflies above her bed. They are 3-D and magnets....so you can position them on a thumbtack and get a great effect.


Above the window.....

"Papa's a Girl!"

The other night, Sassy Bee and Doughie were having a heated argument....actually, they were screaming at each other and Sassy was crying. It went something like this:

Doughie, "Papa's a boy!"
Sassy Bee, "NO! Papa's a girl!"
Doughie, "Sassy, I go to school (she said this in her most sanctimonious tone that only older siblings can truly aspire to) and I know Papa is a man!"
Sassy Bee, "NO!! Man killed Bambi's MOMMY!!"

Yet again, the infamous dead mommy scene in Bambi has broken another heart. I remember as a child thinking hunters were evil and destroyed families.

So, when I came to the rescue, Sassy was sobbing hysterically. I was tempted to agree with Sassy (about papa being a girl), but knew that would get me in trouble...so I settled with comforting her and telling her it was just a movie.

When she was more composed, she turned to me and patted my face very lovingly and said, "If man comes to kill you, we will hide in your belly and be safe." So, ironically, if I was Bambi's mom, I would be toast either way! I am either shot by "Man" or gutted by my girls. How lovely!

Salt, Glorious Salt!

Sassy Bee loves salt. She comes by this naturally, her grandpa (Big C's dad) has been known to salt chips. I don't mind that she likes salt--I like salt too. It only starts to annoy when she steals my salt shaker, takes it to her hidy hole, (where she stashes all her treasures) and proceeds to suck on the lid. What happens is the salt clumps together and becomes unusable. I then get to dump out the shaker and refill.....we buy a lot of salt. It is also a little embarrassing when your guest tries to salt their food and can't....I don't like to tell them that they can't season their food because it is congealed by my daughter's spit.

Does anyone know where I can buy a salt lick? I think it would look cute in her pink bedroom.


This is a picture of Sassy Bee in one of her hidy holes--she has two. In this particular one, I have a fake tree. My only complaint is that her little toys love to scatter the fake moss and dig in the styrofoam of said plant. Understandably, her toys have been in timeout more than once.


She was hiding and we found her in the hidy hole...naturally!


On Christmas Eve, she didn't want to fake sleep with Doughie. So, yet again, she ran to her hidy hole. You can see her peaking out in annoyance.

Who needs Toys when you have Diapers?

Is she a convenient store menace or a super hero? You decide. This is a picture of Sassy Bee with a Pullup on her head. I need to let you know that she is the one who put it there. Ironically, I used to maniacally chase her older sister and threaten to put a diaper on her head. Doughie would scream in protest--quite frankly, it was a fun game. It isn't the same with Sassy Bee--she likes it.

Sassy Bee also likes to see how many Pullups she can put on at once. It reminds me of a car full of clowns as she peels off the diapers one-by-one as we count in awe. To date, the most she has put on is 10.

Who needs toys when a diaper can be a mask, a trick or treat bag (please see previous post) or used in a strip tease? I had no idea that diapers were so multi-faceted.

Shut Up Lady!

On Sunday, the objective of my class was to teach that Jesus was God's son. Well, at different times during the class I would ask, "Who is Jesus's dad?" And my class would look at me with blank stares. **I teach adults....just kidding, I teach the three-year-olds*** Well, after much discussion (me blatantly giving the answer repeatedly to the kids...over..and over...and over....) One of them finally, tentatively, said (like it had just occurred to them) "Heavenly Father?". To this answer, I cheered and jumped up and down like a moron. Well, after that reaction, they all wanted to give the right answer, "Again! Ask Again!". So I asked again and again. During this, there was one little boy who blatanly refused to give the right answer.....he stubbornly gave the wrong answer each time. So, at the end of class, we went to get a drink and when we got back I wanted to check and make sure that what we learned hadn't washed down the drain. So, I asked again, "Who is Jesus's dad?" And this little boy said, "Heavenly Father ALREADY!" As if to say, "Enough Lady! Enough!" Too funny!

Moo Moo Buckaroo!!!!

Sassy Bee came up to me and said, "Doughie said that mommy animals have milk for their babies." She then looked at me meaningfully and said, "I am thirsty." Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmm.........

Trick or Treat?

Since Halloween, Sassy Bee has been playing trick or treat. She is resourceful and uses all manner of objects as both bags and treats. For instance, one day, she had a sock and the treat was a toy. It went something like this, "Mom, here." She hands me the toy and proceeds to hold out the sock and say, "Trick or treat." I then put the toy in the dirty sock and say in the cheesiest voice possible, "Happy Halloween!" She loves it. We do it several times a day. Well, last week, she came up to me with a handful of pennies and a clean pullup (diaper). She hands me the money, opens up the pullup and proceeds to say, "Trick or Treat!" I then dropped the 20 pennies in her diaper and it occurred to me how odd this game had become.....I also began to wonder if this is some horrible foreshadowing for a later profession. :D

I have added some past Halloween pictures just for fun.

Doughie in one of her many cat costumes. (We have a different version every year--the color changes.)

Sassy Bee in one of Doughie's old castoffs.

Sassy Bee wanted to be a knight for a while, but found the mask troublesome.


This is Big C as the "pervy pirate". Trust me, you don't want to sit too close....male or female. Someday, I will post his Braveheart pictures. I will have to sensor them since Big C wasn't very lady-like in his short kilt.

Yup! We have a Blog too! BAAAAA!

We decided, after blog-stalking many other blogs, that we would try blogging too. We are hoping that we can keep in touch with family and friends better. We promise to keep it short and the "cheese" to a minimum.

To prevent perverts and other blog-stalkers from knowing our names, we will all have non de plumes. Papa will be "Big C". He had many other suggestions, however, I want to keep this blog clean.

"Big C"

Our oldest will be called "Doughie". Why Doughie? This is a name her little sister came up with years ago. If I knew why, and how to fix the economy, I would be a rich woman. So, we will call her the flattering name of "Doughie". (In later years, It will provide her therapist even more fodder.)

"Doughie" (She is the one smiling.)

Our youngest will be called "Sassy Bee". In the past, I have called her "Sassy B" and my brother thought it was short for "Sassy Bi*$#". (He must have real high opinions of my parenting skills.)

"Sassy Bee" (She is the one smiling.)

As for our other 5 children, we will refer to them as the "Others". This will be our ode to "Lost."

Others" (I think the one in the middle looks like "Big C")

Here I am with some of the "Others". I will also be the demented voice of the blog.

We hope to hear from you soon!